i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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