I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
