you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
