I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
