And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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