I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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