I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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