Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
