But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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