Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
