my phone needs a breathalizer
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
