you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
