Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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