i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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