I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
