im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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