if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
