Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
