You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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