Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
