I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
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It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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