I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
