"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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