sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
