He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
