I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
