Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
