Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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