Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
