Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
