im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Even my vagina gasped.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
