It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
