I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
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i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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