I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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