I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
