ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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