John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
