Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
