my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
