she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
