PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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