I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am available for nakedness
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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