4 words: hood of his car
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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