I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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