I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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