Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
