I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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