I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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