I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
