I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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