Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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