ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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