I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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