Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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