why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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