Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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