I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
