I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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