His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
