I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
