he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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